Parenting Posts: This is so long for now but definitely not good-bye

Farewell till' next time!



            It has been a wonderful sixteen weeks, going through this writing journey together with you.  Recalling distant memories, and sharing new ones.  There were painful experiences I exposed, and rather joyous occasions shared, all in the name of Parenting.

            Initially when this task of journaling was given to us, it was a no-brainer to write about my daughter who is, essentially one of the forces behind my passion(s), and drive to aspire to be better; not only as a parent but as an individual as well.  These blogs allowed the chance to relate too many of you in the virtual world that given a typical day, may not have been possible.  Often times as parents we do not always communicate with one another, as we should.  We mask our feelings or frustrations because we do not want our children to see us vulnerable.  We mask our feelings from other adults/parents, because in looking at them, we may think they have it "all together" and with these perceptions, we miss the opportunity to learn and grow from one another. 

            In these sixteen years of parenting, there was no way to foresee what a rollercoaster ride this would have been.  I could not see that through our "family storms" they would have been weathered with such positive outcomes.  If there was anything to take away from the postings, understand at the end of the day, every single obstacle, laugh, tear, or word(s) said in anger, is all a common "parental process" we go through, but it is all worth it.

            I encourage everyone, and this is a personal note to self not to overlook the "little things" as far as our children are concerned.  At one point, they are 6 months, then 4 years old, then a pre-teen, then an adult.  You will look back as I do wondering where the time went.  Parenting, one of the best treasures life has to offer.  I am sure if we know nothing else with certainty, we know this as truth.  Bask in every moment.



Oh Happy Day: A look into Kaylah's 16th birthday!

Kaylah & I, 16 yrs later :)



           On April 16^th Kaylah and I "hit the road" for our drive North, to our hometown Brooklyn, New York.  We were both excited for different reasons.  I was anxious because I didn't have an elaborate celebration planned, but I was hopeful Kaylah would appreciate my efforts.  Kaylah was excited because she wanted to see her best friend and family that she had not seen since last year.

            Our excitement greeted by a small roadblock was in the form of bad weather.  There were severe thunderstorms with heavy rain that remained all of Saturday; however, we made it to grandma's house safe.  Once settled Kaylah's best friend came downstairs (she only lived one floor above) and another friend began reacquainting themselves; chatting up "girl stuff".  As I saw that I was not going to be included in this conversation, I decided to go take a nap.  After all, I had been on the road since the wee hours of the morning driving "6 hours or 340 miles".   (Mapquest, 2011). 

            The nap was short-lived as I awakened to darkness (during daylight hours) and loud booms outside my mother's window.  A tornado was coming from the south that was contributing to the bad weather that we found ourselves in the midst of.  I received several texts and missed calls while resting, from people inquiring if we were still going to go out to celebrate.  In the words of Noel Coward "The show must go on".  (Wikipedia, 2011). 

            Kaylah wanted to go to BBQ's a restaurant that offers an array of dishes.  There was seafood, pork, steak, different arrangements of rice and chicken, and other goodies.  The small group of family and friends that assembled already knew what they wanted because it is a spot they still frequent.  Kaylah and her friends must have thought it was their birthday too because they ordered shrimp, crab cakes, corn on the cob, chicken, the works.  There was not enough room on the table for everything.  The meal was as delicious to the stomach as it was appealing to the eyes when served steaming hot, right before you. 

            The adults had an alcohol filled beverage (strawberry daiquiri) to compliment their meal, and Kaylah inquired can I try it?  I just glanced at her and said yes, when you're grown, but it certainly won't be tonight.  Kaylah said I was only joking alcohol isn't good for you anyway neither is smoking, she told us you really shouldn't drink that stuff.  It was almost as if dinner turned into a brief PSA (Public Service Announcement).  The adults glanced at one another and said she told us!  I am glad she has adopted that way of thinking; I hope it stays that way!

            As dinner ended, I had whispered to the waiter, can he bring out cake and sing happy birthday?  He obliged.  After clearing the table about 5 minutes later, roughly six staff members came to us chanting "Happy Happy Birthday Kaylah".  We sang, we clapped, and she blew out her candle, smiled and thanked everyone.  Her smile, the aura, at that moment, was indescribable.  Mission accomplished!

            She opened some of the cards at the table, which; were filled with nice monetary gifts, as well as touching words, although I think she concentrated more on how much money she had for the game cards she wanted.  Teenagers we can't fault them for being true to who they are!  Count the money first; get the depth/meaning of the cards later!

            We gathered our belongings and made our way to the exit.  We headed towards our cars once outside, and the weather remained horrible; however, it was too nice of an evening for it to be overshadowed.

            The celebration continued into the next day, with the same family and friends coming to my mother's house this time.  There was more cake, my mom cooked dinner for her grandchild, who will always be a baby to her, and there was plenty of love and laughs to go around.  Music fused with the voices that carried through the rooms.  When things calmed down at the end of the evening, Kaylah came to me and said, thanks mom for bringing me to New York.  She said, "I love you".  I said, "I love you too".  Happy Birthday to my special lil' lady, glad it was all you expected it to be, hopefully more.

References

Mapquest (2011) Retrieved from the World Wide Web April 24, 2011. 

The show must go on (n.d.) Wikipedia. Retrieved from the World Wide Web April 24, 2011. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_show_must_go_on.

Sweet 16: My acronym relating to this milestone "A H.A.N.D.” Asprin- Happiness, Anxiety, Negotiations, Disbelief.

O.M.G 16! ALREADY??



I wanted to “fast forward” a bit to present day, as most of my posts have been about events from years ago in my parental experience.

Kaylah will be 16 years of age on April 18, 2011.  That is a few short weeks away from today.  I have yet to put the details together, as I am accustomed to having the details already complete for her previous birthdays.  I requested her input, after all it is her birthday, but Kaylah as carefree as she is in her everyday life, I shouldn’t have thought she was going to want this to be over the top.  She said whatever you want to do mom is fine.  Many of her friends that she has grown up with still live in our hometown of Brooklyn, New York.  Therefore, I am thinking of returning there, and having a small gathering to celebrate her journey from childhood to womanhood.

My acronym that I referenced above, stems less from Kaylah, and more from the websites I’ve visited in assisting with planning, a “Super Sweet 16”.  On many sites, there is no reference to a Sweet 16 anymore, thanks to shows of the same name on MTV, or VH1, displaying over the top celebrations.  I found this tip to be amusing taken from an event-planning page.  “To really complete the whole sweet sixteener theme make sure that you throw at least one ungrateful tantrum. I recommend not liking the car your parents gave you.”  (Braniac, 2011).  If Kaylah were raised with a sense of entitlement, I could see her attempting something like this, thank goodness she were raised to the contrary; appreciative, and a sense of humility.  There was other bullet points referenced, numbered from 1-6 on what to do for the big day.  Other notes were a “grand entrance on a helicopter, or an elephant”, or “a performer that costs more than people’s homes”.  (Braniac, 2011).  These suggestions are not atypical; however, they do come into play if you are planning a lavish ceremony.  Since I am more of a realist and I know what I can comfortably afford, I will save these events for the rich to be played out on television.

I have an idea of what her day will entail, dinner with family and friends, some cash, which she always enjoys, and perhaps dancing afterwards.  A statement that came from the World Wide Web had a valid point it said “While planning the party details, keep her personality in mind”.  (Walmart.com).  I agree that while you can get caught up in the excitement of planning it is important to remember who the special occasion is for.  If something is planned around what you think everyone else will enjoy that steals the joy away from the birthday girl, excuse me young woman’s big day. 

While the aspirin is on reserve for any last minute birthday requests, and Alka-Seltzer for any anxiety caused to my stomach, I am ready for this next chapter.  I am in disbelief that the years have flown by this quickly.  I will soon have a 16 year old.  I am flexible and understanding to her needs for her birthday and beyond.  This quote sums it up “Small details make wonderful memories, show her you care by going the extra mile”.  (Walmart.com).  I am so happy that I can create a memorable birthday for her that doesn’t equate to the amount of money I will spend.  Currently, I am counting down the days, so on the 18^th I can count her endless smiles. 

References

How to throw a my super sweet sixteen bash. (1999-2011). Ehow.com  Retrieved March 27, 2011 from http://www.ehow.com/how_4593895_throw-super-sweet-sixteen-bash.html.

Planning a sweet sixteen party. (n.d.). Walmart.com.  Retrieved March 27, 2011 from  http://instoresnow.walmart.com/article-print_ektid83675.aspx.

Parenting 101: Your children do not ignore your words of wisdom they only fool you into believing that.



HUH?? WHAT DID YOU SAY??





           There are more good days than bad when it comes to the overall relationship you share with your children.  We fuss at them, say things repeatedly, which is strictly for their benefit and hope they get the message.  At times to say that we are bewildered by their actions when they do what we ask to the contrary is an understatement; it makes us scratch our head in disbelief.  When we think about it, day in and day out our children are with us, we know we are good role models therefore all our efforts can’t be in vain, can it?

            I think back to a time when Kaylah had just graduated 5^th grade and was about to start middle school.  It was an exciting time.  She was going to attend the same school I attended when I was younger for gifted children.  This school had the same high standard when I attended, any grade less than an 80 was failing.  It may seem a bit much for someone who is in 6^th grade but I believe if you set expectations for your children at a time when they are old enough to understand they will reap the benefit later.  The adjustment took a while.  She would not complete assignments on time.  She would tell the teacher she left them home, and come home and tell me she left her work in school.  She was extremely disorganized; loose papers oozed out of her book bag.  She tried to pull some fast ones but I would not let up.  She explained why she just could not do what everyone was asking of her.  I knew better, her teachers knew better.  Every day I would tell her, you know if you would apply yourself more, you’d be surprised at the results.  I went on to say, you know if you use those folders instead of cramming those papers in your book bag you would be able to find things.  I also told her how good it feels to receive good grades not only to please your parents or family but how good she would feel too. 

            As much as I may not have all the answers regarding the “pressure” I put on my daughter, one point drives it home.  “A parent’s words can become everlasting spells”.  “Children may not always obey, but children will listen”.  (Tanuwiria, 2010).  Correlating this to the paragraph above, children are like sponges, they don’t always do as you say but they are always listening.  They will apply what you tell them only when they are ready to take action.  This isn’t always in sync with what you expect of them, or the time frame you desire.  The important aspect of it all is that you plant the seeds to harvest and you slowly watch them grow.

            I had to tweak a few things of my own in wanting Kaylah to improve upon her grades, and towards things that extended outside of the classroom such as chores for example.  I had to change the tone in which I communicated, and I had to become a better listener.  “Children will look to their parents for instruction and direction”.   (Tanuwiria, 2010).  When a child says I cannot do this, or they are stuck in a rut they are merely saying, I need you to show me a better way to do this, but because you are the parent, I can’t make it so easy as to just ask for help.  The quote further explains Mom or Dad just guide me.  We have to be relentless in our efforts because they are taking our words and fine-tuning it, to how it fits their personalities. 

           If you are wondering what was the outcome with Kaylah.  She took some of my advice but of course, that was not communicated to me.  At times, it is less of what they say; but more so what they do to let you know that they listen.  You see they clean their room at times when not instructed, because they notice how comfortable you are in yours.  They try to do better on their tests because they secretly want to please you.  They come and tell you see mom I told you I could do this, like they accomplished it all on their own.  As parents, we know better but we just have to let them enjoy the moment that is theirs, but as soon as they walk away our face lights up with a smile, because we too are enjoying that moment.  We say to ourselves “Thank goodness they get it, job well done!”



Mother: Trust, I'm steering you in the right direction.
Daughter: Mom may be onto something, but I'm not going to let her know that!



REFERENCE

Tanuwiria, Y.  (2010, August 22).  Yoz’s Say-so: Children will listen.  The Jakarta Post.  Retrieved March 1, 2011 from http://www.thejakartapost.com/news/2010/08/22/yoz039s-sayso-children-will-listen.html.

Rated PG: Parental Guilt: There are only 24 hours in a day, and your child is your top priority so what is the problem?

Am I making the right decision by working? Are my choices good for my child?

I make time for my child, I love her, but why do I have these feelings?  There needs to be more than 24 hours in a day..I'm so confused!

In just a few blogs, already we have rode the up’s and downs of parenting.  Starting from a miraculous outcome to a difficult pregnancy; moving on to a disappointing separation, and parental divide, to now feelings of guilt as I sought to balance out work and home as a single parent.

Children require tremendous amounts of love and attention.  This is not some ingenious discovery.  What was a discovery is that no matter how much time we invest into our children we somehow feel that it is never enough.   When you must provide for the child in terms of food, shelter, and clothing, those items cannot afford themselves.  You must work and earn a salary to be able to continue to have those necessities. 

I struggled with feelings of guilt for a long time after I returned to work when Kaylah was small even until she began to get older, and I continued working.  She was in good care, however; I asked myself would she understand why Mommy has to spend all those hours away from her?  Also what about my need to interact with adults in the workplace and have stimulating conversation that did not involve potty training or math and reading tests? I knew I should not feel guilty because this was the structure of how things needed to be. “When a parent is clear about his rights, when he knows that guilt is an inappropriate response then he helps his child gather strength and learn reality” (Faber & Mazlish, 1990). 

In short the quote is saying we make the best decision towards our children, and for that in the absence of guilt we can help them have a better understanding about the choices we make because we are firm in our position(s).  In addition, it stated that as parents "we have to make certain decisions that represent our best judgment at the time. And the decision-making process does not necessarily have to be shared with our children; nor do we permit their evaluation” (Faber & Mazlish, 1990).  The statement helps put in perspective that instead of relinquishing our parental control (as we often times do) based off our feelings of guilt, that some decisions do not require further explanation.  There is a reason why you cannot make the 2:30 afternoon play, or the 5pm softball game.  We must condition our children to this understanding, and initially this will be difficult to do, but as time goes on with consistent practice this goal in mind becomes attainable.  There is a balance between the interest(s) of the parent, and creating an environment where the child knows love is there even if the parent is not physically visible.

Even as I read stories on why we as parents should not be plagued with guilt from the time spent away from our children it still occurs.  That is just part of the human way of thinking.  “Often, the brain's conflict detector senses two opposing priorities (living for yourself vs. your children) and this activation results in guilt” (Srinivasan, 2010).  Therefore, this statement is in contradiction to the previous paragraph.  If we are to believe Srinivasan as he suggests then we will never be justified or free of guilt as to why we spend time away from our children solely based on our thought process, there seems to be no recourse.   He does offer some consolation by stating, “I always emphasize to parents that the ideal is to do "your" best rather than to do "the" best” (Srinivasan, 2010).  If for a moment we do just that, we can find solace in knowing that is exactly what we are doing, the best we can.  Isn’t that the reason we spend time from our children in the first place?  Doing the best for ourselves in turn means we are doing the best for them.  As they get older they will come to realize that, or are we the ones that need the realization?

           

No matter how it’s presented working versus being a stay at home mom, taking a few hours of “me” time or missing a field trip at school can all contribute to those guilt-ridden feelings.  Parents must realize that we do our children a disservice when we allow these thoughts to get the best of us, even if we cannot always stay in control of those thoughts.  As much as we want to be there for every moment, we know that is not possible.   We must reiterate to ourselves that it’s not the quantity of time spent with them but the quality.  Once that is remembered, we can see what we thought was the problem, really isn’t a problem at all.  When we can do more for our children, of course, we will, and when we cannot, we will bask in the delight of the moment, guilt-free, which is known as today.

Reference

Faber, A et.al. (1990). Liberated parents, liberated children: Your guide to a happier family.  Avon Books.  Retrieved February 21, 2011 from http://library.adoption.com/articles/guilt-and-parenting.html.

Srinivasan, P. (2010, July, 13). Overcoming parental guilt: Perspectives from brain biology.  Huffington Post. Retrieved February 21, 2011 from http://www.huffingtonpost.com/srinivasan-pillay/overcoming-parental-guilt_b_644076.html.

Parental Divide: The ill effects of separation on children and the worries that cause you to question your parenting know-how to help them cope.

In my previous blog you were introduced to my daughter Kaylah.  She had a good upbringing.  She was doted on, given all the love possible at home.  When not in my presence, left with either grandparents, or daycare for her parents to work, I trusted she was cared for just as good.  Kaylah’s dad worked exhausting 12-hour shifts; therefore, her primary care rested upon me.  I entered the Health field in 1996, after being a stay at home mom for a year.  The job offered flexible hours to continue to supply the time and attention needed after her difficult entry into the world.

Together her dad and I (my then-husband) tried to make it work.  We spent time taking Kaylah to the park, enjoying milestones: walking, talking, surpassing the “terrible two’s” those type of things. She always remained our first priority, yet there was a deterioration happening within our family unit emotionally and financially.

Factoring in the aforementioned, Kaylah’s dad and I were headed for divorce when she was 5 years old.

For some time she seemed ok, but within a 3-year span, there began to be noticeable changes.  Crying more or “acting out,” our usually vibrant and energetic child exemplified erratic behavior. 

To her father’s chagrin, by age seven I decided to place her in therapy.  He felt this period was something she would “get over”.  I, disagreed.  If we were to look at research studies it has “provided evidence that children whose parents have divorced have more externalizing and internalizing problems, lower academic achievement, and more problematic social relationships than do children whose parents have not divorced” (Lansford, 2009).   I felt therapy was a pro-active approach to getting to the root of the problem. 

 Kaylah did not open up to the psychologist initially.  For several weeks, I would wait in the lobby until their hour- long session was over.  It was rather frustrating as a parent to think I have found the solution on how to better assist my child, and the desired result was not happening fast enough.  I, in my adult mind just wanted her to know that mom and dad still loved her equally, and although things around her have changed, she did not have to change. Hetherington suggests that, “in comparison with older children, young children may be less capable of realistically assessing the causes and consequences of divorce, may feel more anxious about the abandonment, more likely to blame themselves, and may be less able to take advantage of resources outside the family to cope with the divorce” (Lansford, 2009).

            This explanation gives insight as to why the mindset I had was wrong.  Given the age Kaylah was when this began until professional assistance were sought out, this was going to take more than a few sessions for things to get better.

As time went on, the sessions continued, we made progress.   She opened up about her feelings, and on some of the sessions, she felt comfortable enough for me to “sit in” on them with her.  It was a trying time for both of us, we went from a family of three to two; but we made it through.  I learned not to look at it from a parental standpoint, but from a child’s view.  Each day you gain more patience, and the worries you experience begin to lessen.  You take notice to the smiles again, give more hugs, and there is a abundance of “I love you’s” said throughout the day, strengthening the bond. 

Communication, as it is learned, should always be the focal point whether direct or having a mediator to serve as a go-between.   It gives both parent and child the skills to cope, and push through the problem.  In no way was this easy; I was in disagreement with her father on how it should be handled, had I not listened to my instincts this could have been an outcome of parenting gone severely wrong.   I am pleased to say that Kaylah and I relationship cemented positively, unlike so many of the reports you read about pertaining to this issue.  Reviewing the citations above, I am proud in hindsight, to not live out the full extent of that type of negative behavioral turmoil.  Once again, positive parental reinforcement wins, paving the way for better days.

Reference

Lansford, J. (2009, March). Parental divorce and children’s adjustment.  Journal of the Association for Psychological Science, Volume 4.  Retrieved February 2, 2011, from the Academic Search Complete Database.

Parenting Reflections from welcoming to worrisome and everything in between



Kaylah as a baby

Kaylah Buckner entered this world on April 18, 1995, nearly 3 months early, weighing a mere 2lbs 11 ounces.  Birthing a premature child is not an experience anyone should have to go through.  Throw marriage into the mix as a young woman, and that already amounts to much more than your average 20 year old has to go through.  Kaylah had to remain in the hospital a total of 2.5 months.  Not only did she have low birth weight, she needed a spinal tap, blood transfusion, and suffered asthma of prematurity.  Fed through a tube she remained in an incubator until the minimum weight of 5lbs was reached to go home.

During the time of her hospital stay, there were numerous visits several times a day.  At that time in 1995, the parents did not spend the night with the children, visiting hours were over at 8pm, and the Doctors would call you any time thereafter if any emergency arose.   Visiting Kaylah everyday with her dad, helped me experience love in a capacity, I never experienced before.  I knew she had the odds stacked against her as the medical staff had informed us that the survival rate for “preemies” were low.  If she did survive, she could encounter mental or physical disabilities.  So there it was that I was looking at my daughter “the fighter”.  She grew stronger daily, smiled when talked to, and grasped my hand when I would put it through the small slot to touch her.  The love that you feel given by your children is unmatched to anything else that can bring you joy.  Some people may differ but that is fine.

As Kaylah grew stronger in the months that followed her birth, I did all the research I could on premature infants.  This led me to the “March of Dimes” (www.marchforbabies.org) which I became involved in to assist with their research in finding out what causes pre-term labor and what can be done to stop it.  Studies have shown that “Premature birth is the leading cause of newborn death worldwide” March of Dimes Foundation (2010) November is Prematurity Awareness Month. Web.  In writing this blog, I have signed up to participate in the walk that will be held here on May 15, 2011 here in Richmond.  This is a cause that I have put on the backburner, but after revisiting my story, I decided to return to it this year.

I am Stephanie Callwood-Kaylah’s mom, and as we approach the date for her “Sweet 16,”  I have no idea where the time has gone.  Looking at her each morning how slender she has become, how tall she is, and how intelligent she is, I am in awe.  I also reflect on how lazy she is, how I think she sets out to “get on my nerves” intentionally and how different we are although she has inherited many of my qualities.  I realize I am going through parenting turmoil and it does not cease to exist the older your children become.  You face different challenges on different levels and ages, but you learn to appreciate it all at the end of the day.  I love her very much, and can’t fathom how my life would be if she weren’t in it.

A Newborn "Preemie"