In my previous blog you were introduced to my daughter Kaylah. She had a good upbringing. She was doted on, given all the love possible at home. When not in my presence, left with either grandparents, or daycare for her parents to work, I trusted she was cared for just as good. Kaylah’s dad worked exhausting 12-hour shifts; therefore, her primary care rested upon me. I entered the Health field in 1996, after being a stay at home mom for a year. The job offered flexible hours to continue to supply the time and attention needed after her difficult entry into the world.
Together her dad and I (my then-husband) tried to make it work. We spent time taking Kaylah to the park, enjoying milestones: walking, talking, surpassing the “terrible two’s” those type of things. She always remained our first priority, yet there was a deterioration happening within our family unit emotionally and financially.
Factoring in the aforementioned, Kaylah’s dad and I were headed for divorce when she was 5 years old.
For some time she seemed ok, but within a 3-year span, there began to be noticeable changes. Crying more or “acting out,” our usually vibrant and energetic child exemplified erratic behavior.
To her father’s chagrin, by age seven I decided to place her in therapy. He felt this period was something she would “get over”. I, disagreed. If we were to look at research studies it has “provided evidence that children whose parents have divorced have more externalizing and internalizing problems, lower academic achievement, and more problematic social relationships than do children whose parents have not divorced” (Lansford, 2009). I felt therapy was a pro-active approach to getting to the root of the problem.
Kaylah did not open up to the psychologist initially. For several weeks, I would wait in the lobby until their hour- long session was over. It was rather frustrating as a parent to think I have found the solution on how to better assist my child, and the desired result was not happening fast enough. I, in my adult mind just wanted her to know that mom and dad still loved her equally, and although things around her have changed, she did not have to change. Hetherington suggests that, “in comparison with older children, young children may be less capable of realistically assessing the causes and consequences of divorce, may feel more anxious about the abandonment, more likely to blame themselves, and may be less able to take advantage of resources outside the family to cope with the divorce” (Lansford, 2009).
This explanation gives insight as to why the mindset I had was wrong. Given the age Kaylah was when this began until professional assistance were sought out, this was going to take more than a few sessions for things to get better.
As time went on, the sessions continued, we made progress. She opened up about her feelings, and on some of the sessions, she felt comfortable enough for me to “sit in” on them with her. It was a trying time for both of us, we went from a family of three to two; but we made it through. I learned not to look at it from a parental standpoint, but from a child’s view. Each day you gain more patience, and the worries you experience begin to lessen. You take notice to the smiles again, give more hugs, and there is a abundance of “I love you’s” said throughout the day, strengthening the bond.
Communication, as it is learned, should always be the focal point whether direct or having a mediator to serve as a go-between. It gives both parent and child the skills to cope, and push through the problem. In no way was this easy; I was in disagreement with her father on how it should be handled, had I not listened to my instincts this could have been an outcome of parenting gone severely wrong. I am pleased to say that Kaylah and I relationship cemented positively, unlike so many of the reports you read about pertaining to this issue. Reviewing the citations above, I am proud in hindsight, to not live out the full extent of that type of negative behavioral turmoil. Once again, positive parental reinforcement wins, paving the way for better days.
Reference
Lansford, J. (2009, March). Parental divorce and children’s adjustment. Journal of the Association for Psychological Science, Volume 4. Retrieved February 2, 2011, from the Academic Search Complete Database.
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