Rated PG: Parental Guilt: There are only 24 hours in a day, and your child is your top priority so what is the problem?

Am I making the right decision by working? Are my choices good for my child?

I make time for my child, I love her, but why do I have these feelings?  There needs to be more than 24 hours in a day..I'm so confused!

In just a few blogs, already we have rode the up’s and downs of parenting.  Starting from a miraculous outcome to a difficult pregnancy; moving on to a disappointing separation, and parental divide, to now feelings of guilt as I sought to balance out work and home as a single parent.

Children require tremendous amounts of love and attention.  This is not some ingenious discovery.  What was a discovery is that no matter how much time we invest into our children we somehow feel that it is never enough.   When you must provide for the child in terms of food, shelter, and clothing, those items cannot afford themselves.  You must work and earn a salary to be able to continue to have those necessities. 

I struggled with feelings of guilt for a long time after I returned to work when Kaylah was small even until she began to get older, and I continued working.  She was in good care, however; I asked myself would she understand why Mommy has to spend all those hours away from her?  Also what about my need to interact with adults in the workplace and have stimulating conversation that did not involve potty training or math and reading tests? I knew I should not feel guilty because this was the structure of how things needed to be. “When a parent is clear about his rights, when he knows that guilt is an inappropriate response then he helps his child gather strength and learn reality” (Faber & Mazlish, 1990). 

In short the quote is saying we make the best decision towards our children, and for that in the absence of guilt we can help them have a better understanding about the choices we make because we are firm in our position(s).  In addition, it stated that as parents "we have to make certain decisions that represent our best judgment at the time. And the decision-making process does not necessarily have to be shared with our children; nor do we permit their evaluation” (Faber & Mazlish, 1990).  The statement helps put in perspective that instead of relinquishing our parental control (as we often times do) based off our feelings of guilt, that some decisions do not require further explanation.  There is a reason why you cannot make the 2:30 afternoon play, or the 5pm softball game.  We must condition our children to this understanding, and initially this will be difficult to do, but as time goes on with consistent practice this goal in mind becomes attainable.  There is a balance between the interest(s) of the parent, and creating an environment where the child knows love is there even if the parent is not physically visible.

Even as I read stories on why we as parents should not be plagued with guilt from the time spent away from our children it still occurs.  That is just part of the human way of thinking.  “Often, the brain's conflict detector senses two opposing priorities (living for yourself vs. your children) and this activation results in guilt” (Srinivasan, 2010).  Therefore, this statement is in contradiction to the previous paragraph.  If we are to believe Srinivasan as he suggests then we will never be justified or free of guilt as to why we spend time away from our children solely based on our thought process, there seems to be no recourse.   He does offer some consolation by stating, “I always emphasize to parents that the ideal is to do "your" best rather than to do "the" best” (Srinivasan, 2010).  If for a moment we do just that, we can find solace in knowing that is exactly what we are doing, the best we can.  Isn’t that the reason we spend time from our children in the first place?  Doing the best for ourselves in turn means we are doing the best for them.  As they get older they will come to realize that, or are we the ones that need the realization?

           

No matter how it’s presented working versus being a stay at home mom, taking a few hours of “me” time or missing a field trip at school can all contribute to those guilt-ridden feelings.  Parents must realize that we do our children a disservice when we allow these thoughts to get the best of us, even if we cannot always stay in control of those thoughts.  As much as we want to be there for every moment, we know that is not possible.   We must reiterate to ourselves that it’s not the quantity of time spent with them but the quality.  Once that is remembered, we can see what we thought was the problem, really isn’t a problem at all.  When we can do more for our children, of course, we will, and when we cannot, we will bask in the delight of the moment, guilt-free, which is known as today.

Reference

Faber, A et.al. (1990). Liberated parents, liberated children: Your guide to a happier family.  Avon Books.  Retrieved February 21, 2011 from http://library.adoption.com/articles/guilt-and-parenting.html.

Srinivasan, P. (2010, July, 13). Overcoming parental guilt: Perspectives from brain biology.  Huffington Post. Retrieved February 21, 2011 from http://www.huffingtonpost.com/srinivasan-pillay/overcoming-parental-guilt_b_644076.html.

Parental Divide: The ill effects of separation on children and the worries that cause you to question your parenting know-how to help them cope.

In my previous blog you were introduced to my daughter Kaylah.  She had a good upbringing.  She was doted on, given all the love possible at home.  When not in my presence, left with either grandparents, or daycare for her parents to work, I trusted she was cared for just as good.  Kaylah’s dad worked exhausting 12-hour shifts; therefore, her primary care rested upon me.  I entered the Health field in 1996, after being a stay at home mom for a year.  The job offered flexible hours to continue to supply the time and attention needed after her difficult entry into the world.

Together her dad and I (my then-husband) tried to make it work.  We spent time taking Kaylah to the park, enjoying milestones: walking, talking, surpassing the “terrible two’s” those type of things. She always remained our first priority, yet there was a deterioration happening within our family unit emotionally and financially.

Factoring in the aforementioned, Kaylah’s dad and I were headed for divorce when she was 5 years old.

For some time she seemed ok, but within a 3-year span, there began to be noticeable changes.  Crying more or “acting out,” our usually vibrant and energetic child exemplified erratic behavior. 

To her father’s chagrin, by age seven I decided to place her in therapy.  He felt this period was something she would “get over”.  I, disagreed.  If we were to look at research studies it has “provided evidence that children whose parents have divorced have more externalizing and internalizing problems, lower academic achievement, and more problematic social relationships than do children whose parents have not divorced” (Lansford, 2009).   I felt therapy was a pro-active approach to getting to the root of the problem. 

 Kaylah did not open up to the psychologist initially.  For several weeks, I would wait in the lobby until their hour- long session was over.  It was rather frustrating as a parent to think I have found the solution on how to better assist my child, and the desired result was not happening fast enough.  I, in my adult mind just wanted her to know that mom and dad still loved her equally, and although things around her have changed, she did not have to change. Hetherington suggests that, “in comparison with older children, young children may be less capable of realistically assessing the causes and consequences of divorce, may feel more anxious about the abandonment, more likely to blame themselves, and may be less able to take advantage of resources outside the family to cope with the divorce” (Lansford, 2009).

            This explanation gives insight as to why the mindset I had was wrong.  Given the age Kaylah was when this began until professional assistance were sought out, this was going to take more than a few sessions for things to get better.

As time went on, the sessions continued, we made progress.   She opened up about her feelings, and on some of the sessions, she felt comfortable enough for me to “sit in” on them with her.  It was a trying time for both of us, we went from a family of three to two; but we made it through.  I learned not to look at it from a parental standpoint, but from a child’s view.  Each day you gain more patience, and the worries you experience begin to lessen.  You take notice to the smiles again, give more hugs, and there is a abundance of “I love you’s” said throughout the day, strengthening the bond. 

Communication, as it is learned, should always be the focal point whether direct or having a mediator to serve as a go-between.   It gives both parent and child the skills to cope, and push through the problem.  In no way was this easy; I was in disagreement with her father on how it should be handled, had I not listened to my instincts this could have been an outcome of parenting gone severely wrong.   I am pleased to say that Kaylah and I relationship cemented positively, unlike so many of the reports you read about pertaining to this issue.  Reviewing the citations above, I am proud in hindsight, to not live out the full extent of that type of negative behavioral turmoil.  Once again, positive parental reinforcement wins, paving the way for better days.

Reference

Lansford, J. (2009, March). Parental divorce and children’s adjustment.  Journal of the Association for Psychological Science, Volume 4.  Retrieved February 2, 2011, from the Academic Search Complete Database.